Wed July 31, 2013 Good Times

This morning we got up early (not because I wanted to but because you all decided to) much to early which resulted in very cranky attitudes so while I was about to start breakfast I ended up taking you all in the truck for a drive instead.  It's easier to contain the chaos and hoping Miss Abbie falls asleep for her to regain her cheery personality.  When I left I was in less than fine form and we drove into Kipling toured around and then I went the opposite way and toured around Winthorst, then headed back to my parents place ready to face the day.  We made "egg hearts" for breakfast along with pancakes then the kids played all day, hopping on Grampa and hugging Grama.  Trina and Torrance mowed the lawn, we went for a walk, we caught frogs and then....more people started arriving.  Renee and her crew arrived first and then Duncan arrived later bringing us our "dad" Caius flew in to the airport and they picked him up on their way thru which worked great.  The kids were so excited to see him and started running down the lane to see him.  The funny thing is that guy has STILL got it.  When he stepped out of the vehicle my heart still skips a beat and I lose my breath.  Great to see my love.  Then the festivities begin.  A wonderful roast beef dinner,trip to the horses a bouncy castle, volleyball net, relaxing on the lawn, campfire with s'mores and more visiting and finishing the night off with a round of spoons.  I love my family and enjoy spending time with them SO MUCH💗💗💗💗

Tuesday July 23,2013 motivation via Internet

I found this on the internet today from a blog life arranged and felt it was such a good read it needed to be included in my journal.  A friend of mine recently posted on Facebook how she was frustrated and discouraged by her son’s progress in speech therapy.

A small flood of encouraging comments came in response.  They were all different, but quite a few of them, the ones that made me cringe, were the same.

The ones that made me want to scream at my screen were the ones I have heard for years myself.

From well meaning people.  People who love me.  Us.  Her.  Who mean ZERO offense.  And I know that.  Truly.

But good intentions don’t always remove the sting.

“Just hang in there!  Soon, he’ll be talking your ear off and you won’t even remember this!”

“Oh, she’ll be fine.  I know tons of kids who were delayed when they were babies, but now they are running circles around their parents!”

“They don’t give cerebral palsy diagnosis’ this early.  There’s no way she has it!  She’ll be okay.  You’ll see.”

“My cousin’s baby was born with a heart murmur and he outgrew it in two weeks!”

“Just keep trying!  You’ll have your baby eventually!”

“Everything will be okay.”

“Don’t worry, it will be fine.”

For my friend, for her son, the truth is, his speech is likely to come eventually.

But you know what?

Maybe it won’t.

Maybe he will struggle for his whole life with communicating his thoughts, fears, concerns, and loves.

Maybe it won’t be alright.

Maybe it won’t be okay.

I mean, it WILL be alright.  And it WILL be okay…but Alright and Okay might look a lot different than you expect them to look, and it will be a journey wrought with tears to get there.  To believe it.

And here’s the real thing…the other side that nags at my heart…

What if it DOES actually turn out okay?

What if that boy turns into a chatterbox that gets in trouble at school for talking too much?

What if the baby is finally born alive?

What if the sickness lifts?

What if the PET Scan comes back clear?

What if the girl runs marathons someday?

Does that discount the years of grief and struggle to get to that point?

Does that undo the long, painful months of just one pink line?  Month after month after month.

Does that erase the pain of the little ones who went Home before their mamas could kiss their sweet cheeks?

Does that turn the mama who worried and prayed for the boy who ranks woefully behind his peers, a laughing stock?

The journey deserves its credit too.

Streaks of red can crush a soul in ways you never knew.

A half inch pink line has the power to knock you to the ground when it has no pair.

Our hearts can love so fiercely that which we have never even met.

Mountains of paperwork denied.  Countries closed.  Complex laws.  International treaties.  Can tear you to shreds.

Assessments and the ever widening gap between “typically developing” and your girl can be more than you can bear some days.

Getting to Alright and Okay isn’t always the point.

And for those of us whose Alright and Okay are wildly different than what anyone meant when they said it would be so…

…what then?

I distinctly remember a conversation several years ago, with a dear friend.  Someone I consider one of my closest friends.  Someone who loves my family dearly.  Who means no harm.  I know that.  Deeply.  But there are times that seemingly innocuous conversation plays on loop in my head.  She probably doesn’t even remember it.  But I do.  Over and over and over again.  And it angers me.  Not because she meant to hurt.  No, she meant to encourage and uplift.  I know this.  But, it stung.  It stings.  I remember exactly where I was standing.  I can hear her voice.  Telling me all about how Jill will be so totally fine.  She knows this kid and that kid who…and they were way worse off, and now look at them!

And there are days, angry days, frustrating days, hard days, when I want to take my sweet friend, the one I call for support, and I want to grab her by the shoulders and scream at her.  Not the pretty yelling you see in the movies, but the wild eyed, crazed screaming that comes from deep within my soul.  An ugly, desperate scream.  I want to tell her that she was wrong.  In fact, all those kids that were worse off and are Okay and Alright now?  Yeah, well, let’s talk about how deeply unfair the world is.  Let’s talk about how it hurts me to see those same kids some days.  How I have to leave the room because I am jealous.  And sad.  And I wish she had never assured me that everything would be Perfectly Fine, because this is the worst case of I Told You So I have ever heard of.

And then I want to punch her in the face.

And then I would feel really bad about it, and beg forgiveness because she is one of my dearest friends, and I know her words came from a place of love.

Truth be told, I’ve said it at some point too.  I’m sure of it. Probably 100 times.  Or 1,000.

“I’m so sorry.  It’ll be fine.  Don’t worry, it’ll all work out and be okay in the end.  You’ll see.”

The cancer comes back.

Nurseries are turned into offices.

Special needs kids grow into special needs adults.

Spouses die.

Mamas mourn too soon.

Marriages crumble.

Homes are lost.

Friends, there has to be a better way.  

A better way to support one another when they are walking a painful path.  There has to be a better way to encourage and uplift and love without undoing the brutality of the journey, without negating the reality that for some, it doesn’t get “all better”.  

Because the world isn’t so black and white.  Which is good because my favorite happens to be color.

Here’s my proposal…let’s try this one?  All of us.  Put this in the back pocket of your mind.

“I’m so sorry.  I’m so sorry you are heartsick over this.  I’m so sorry you are worried.  That sucks.  I’m here for you.  I will pray for you as you go through this.  I will be here for whatever you need.”

Don’t ask them what you can do to help.  Because she will say “Oh, nothing…”  Because that is How We Do.

Do not ask if you can bring them dinner.  Because she will say “Oh, it’s really okay…we’ll be fine.”  Because that’s How We Do.

We women, we don’t like to impose.  We’re dumb like that.

Instead…just do it.  Call her at 2:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday and tell her that pizza is scheduled to be delivered to her door at 6:00 that night.  She will protest.  Because…How We Do.  But tell her it’s been paid for, so she can do what she wants with it.  It’s out of your hands.

Mail a simple note and a $5 coffee card.

Cut two flowers from your garden, plop them in a mason jar and place them on her front porch.

Keep it simple.  This isn’t about wowing her with your Pinterest search skills.

This is about Love.  Support.  Encouragement.

Validation.

She isn’t crazy.  She isn’t neurotic.  She isn’t being ridiculous.

No matter what the outcome turns out to be.

Because it really will eventually be Alright and Okay.  It’s just that Alright and Okay are tricky words whose meanings change depending on the details.

And you want to be there for her in the case that she must navigate a new path to Alright and Okay.

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I thought this was such good advice I hope that I haven't offended too many people in my life, if so I truly hope they forgive me and know that I would never say anything to hurt someone intentionally.  

 

 

 

 

Y

Friday July 19 2013

This morning Alin had the day off but had to go do bloodwork and then had an appt with the dermatologist.  So Kate McAteer and her littles (Evie and Eloise) and me and mine went on an adventure. We packed the kids up and them went to a small little town outside Ottawa called Almonte.  We took them swimming and then had a little picnic.  It was a super cute little town and we stopped in a bakery and another cute little ship that had the best sign in the window that said have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.  This just strengthens my resolve to declutter and how about that I started before I even saw this sign.    

Thursday July 18

Today the kids had their first dental appointment:) Alin had an opening and it was time we started getting them used to going.  They were nervous at first but then I laid in the chair and put them on top of me and it went lickity-split after that.  We love this dentist😉

First check ups

Getting to hold the mirror for dad.  Alin also took some pictures of their teeth with the intra oral camera

This one was a little like a shark, had to show extreme caution before sticking fingers in:)

Then I got my teeth cleaned, love it.  I sure miss working in the dental field. I loved dental assisting and rocked at it! Loved hygiene but was still fairly new at it when I went on maternity.  Best feeling in the world was when people came in and their mouths were packed full of calculus and I got to get right in there and flick it off.  I know sounds awesome doesn't it.  The only job I think I would hate is hairdressing.  Me and your aunts always have this debate I think what they do is gross and they thought what I did was gross:) good thing everyone likes to do different things.  

Came home had lunch and put everyone done for their naps, and then surprise Alin came home early.  So Mason wanted to go on a family adventure to the train museum (Science and tech museum) we go lots!!! Then we went to East Side Mario's for supper.

I'm her anchor

As Abbie is learning to pull herself up and walk she is always grabbing on to me, pulling at my pants, putting her tiny chubby hands on my knees or wrapping her arms around my legs.  Yesterday as she was doing this I had a little glimpse of eternal perspective.  As she grabbed on to me the thought running thru my head was "I am her anchor" the thought hit me hard as I continued to think about it for the rest of the day. 

For my children the first thing they come to understand is that I am always there for them, as newborns they cry, I feed and comfort them.  As infants they are aware of the sound of my voice, the smell  of me, the feel of my touch.  With all of you, even as newborns the neatest feeling was being able to calm you, when you were placed in my arms.  How you knew when someone else was holding you and you yearned for my arms to comfort you. As you began to grow and learn to crawl and stand...which led itself to this journal entry.  As toddlers when I'm not in your sight and you yell out "momma, momma" till you find me or you hear the sound of my voice.  

This is your first experience with holding on to a "firm foundation" your dad and I will continue to be the best anchors we know how for you.  We will always be there to guide, comfort, encourage you and there will always be a place for you all in our open arms.  

Your Heavenly Father is the perfect anchor for you, he will never leave you astray and knows of each of you and your divine potential.  May you always use him as your anchor.  

Love you like crazy... Mom

Things you should know about your mom

I love you all to pieces!!!! 

Your dad is my best friend! I fell in love with him the 3rd day I knew him (just took my head longer than my heart😊)

I fall in love deeper every day💗

I always knew family was super important, thanks to my parents I thought family's were FUN I loved growing up with my sisters and brothers and pray you have the same relationship with each other as I have with my siblings and parents.  We have so much fun together and I've always been family, family, family.

Now all the mushy stuff is out if the way here's some silly things

•I read magazines from back to front

•I used to be so uncomfortable with hugs  and affection, so much that I was called "porcupine" but now I crave hugs

•I have a cow lick that I've always hated right in the front right corner, that every hair dresser says I should work with it... I still despise it

•my favorite location is Waterton Alberta. I love the smell as soon as you open the windows in the car, the scenery is fantastic, the hiking trails phenomenal.  It's my own little slice of heaven🗻.  My favorite hikes are Crypt, Alderson-Carthrew, and Cameron Lake to townsite  just for future refrence because I day I will take you on them

•I've ridden an elephant 

•I love playing board games, so when your older it will seem archaic but I'm excited to play them with you

•I hate using a bath towel more than once

•I love camping, being outdoors, going on adventures and start to feel as if I'm in jail if I've been inside all day... Your dad teases me that he can count on one hand how many times I've stayed home

•I keep my passport up to date always... Because you never know when an opportunity arises

•I love grapefruit

•I don't like baths, but can stay in the shower forever

•I prefer manual toothbrushes over electric

•I dislike immensely ironing and would rather do anything else but that

•I like plain white socks

Things about being a mom

I am not a perfect mom (I know that's such a surprise for you all😉) but these are the things I'm great at... I'm not going to list the things I fall short at because there still works in process. 

•I love you all

• I'm big on holidays, I like to decorate for everything and anything.  I love to have pink valentine pancakes for Valentines Day, green ones for St. Patrick's Day and you get the idea. (Your Grama Waldie always did that for us when i was little) Birthdays are a huge deal...I like to make the cake and have a theme, decorate and just try and make you all feel so special for your birthdays ( I also remember your births and replay the last year, your milestones, and what I love about you, and how glad I am that you came to our family)

•I love to be busy and outside with you, to take you on all sorts of adventures, sometimes your dad teases me that I never stay home.  I want you to have so many different little experiences and be exposed to lots of interesting things. So we get to do lots of adventures

• I love to read to you all, and sing songs 

• I know the importance of healthy foods for your little bodies and really try and have healthy meals and snacks for you(don't worry you have a sugar daddy)

•I love to take lots of pictures so you'll have lots to look at and see your adorable squishy beautiful bodies one day:) 

•I love being outside, I love the mountains, I love the sun on my face, I love the smell of fresh air and the beauty of everything around us.  I want to instill in each of you what an amazing and beautiful world we live in. ( must be working a bit because when the leaves were turning colors I turned to you all and said "wow it's so... And you jumped in and said beautiful"

•

Fun Saturday

Alins still gone to Toronto till tomorrow night but we keep our days plenty busy.  Our ward picnic is today at the church and it was so much fun!!!! It started at 10 so we went and ruled the place taking over the little pool and having a grand time, the had a long slip and slide and after the kids watched other kids for a while Mason decided he wanted to do it. He LOVED it, then Dani tried.  They are now official slip and sliders:) then they had a barbecue lunch and we played for a bit more and then I bought them home to nap as we have Evie's birthday party later on.  Came home utter chaos (which it always is at nap/bed time) and now all 3 are snoozing! 

Just had to add...this morning before all our activities, Abbie found a playmate:)

Then we were off to buy Evie's birthday present and off to her party.  They had a bouncy castle and it was so fun to hang out with the McAteers again, there such a fun family.  We even got to try her delicious vegan chocolate cupcakes:) Mason and Daniela were so excited to give her the present and sing Happy Birthday to her.  On a side note Alin comes home tomorrow.  Yahhhhhh