My little sister died when she was 18 months old to the day, she was born in May and passed away the following Nov. I remember random things about it, I remember my parents telling us and with the faith of a child thinking " Oh she went to live with Heavenly Father" and remembering my mom and dad crying a lot, lots of people coming by our house, and at the funeral I remember the primary singing. Every once and a while growing up I would look at a big binder ( I can't remember if it was blue or grey) and read all the cards and condolences and then look at all her pictures. I generally did this all alone and I would think about her quite a bit. Wondering if she would think that I was doing okay with this life I was living or if she would think that she had to leave early and here I was wasting my life. Some things I'm sure made her proud to be sisters other things I'm pretty sure she shook her head and thinking Shannon get it together. When things were a little rough sometimes I would stop at the cemetery and go see her grave (its white with a little lamb) A few times growing up I'd ask about her but we never really talked about it that much...
I have taken you kids to the hospital and to dr.'s only to be told that it was just a common cold or something you would get over. The worst was one night when Mason was baby it was around three in the morning I think and I decided I needed to take him to the hospital he had a fever that had lasted over 3 days and just wasn't his usual self but as I headed out, there was freezing rain and they were telling people to stay off the roads. It was treacherous to say the least and when I finally made my way into the hospital the nurse looked at me and tore a strip off me saying I had no business being on the roads in this condition and I was putting my baby and me in jeopardy. That was the last straw I was already so worried about my little baby, worried about the roads and tired, I started to bawl and spilling my heart out saying " I had a sister who passed away and I want to make sure my babies okay" ( it turned out he had a massive ear infection)
I think about my parents daily most of the time it's happy memories and things that make me laugh or smile (we had so much fun growing up) but when I have sick kids or your dad is sick I worry.
My gift this year was some more of her journal pages (I love this gift and cherish it, you can read it when your older and it has definitely inspired me to keep mine better. So when your moms and dads you can read it and take comfort in it, also seeing the good, bad and ugly:) plus the love we have for you.
Anyways the pages this time covered when Michelle passed away. I had tears streaming down my face reading my moms entry ( I'll share a bit here, but will let you read it when your older in the special binder) especially because my little tornado(that's you Daniela) is the same age right now as Michelle was. I can't imagine. I look at your blond, curly hair most days it's all over the place and your chubby hands, cheeks and fingers and that impish grin which means your up to no good. How you wait for me to look at you when your doing something mischievous and when I look, you take off running and giggling. How you exhaust me at the same time that I love all that energy and personality. How you can't handle having socks on, anywhere and anytime and when I put tights on you for church how it's almost unbearable for you.... You pull and pull with no results:). The way you want to do everything Mason does and how you love Abbie to pieces
and can't stand to be away from her.(I'm sure she's not going to walk as soon as you and Mason, because I can never leave her on the floor for more than 2 min without being loved to pieces
Nov 1980
Thursday November 13, came home after class at the university and went to pick up the girls at the arena after figure skating. Brian had Renee and Michelle since he had come home about 1 pm. We were going to the temple with Roberts and Kathleen was going to babysit in the evening.
Brian said Michelle had "thrown up" in the van and he went to clean it up. She had eaten a fair sized chunk of cheese in the afternoon- just after 5 she threw up a bit more - cheese. I bathed her - the girls were having a bath because they were cold after figure skating so I stuck her in the tub with them - changed her and out her to bed. Just before 6:30 she brought up abut more - fluidly, phlegmatic - this time I decided to stay home with her and Brian went alone to the temple with Roberts.
About 9 she woke up and I held her on my lap with her head in my shoulder while I read- she was a bit warm-a bit of a temperature so before putting her back to bed I gave her 2 baby aspirin and half a bottle of water. She drank that and went to sleep.
When I went to bed I took her to bed with me and we both went to sleep. Brian came in about 10:30-10:45 along with Poettckers and we talked til near midnight.
When we went to bed, we put Michelle in her crib and we were standing looking down at her, Brian at the side of the crib and me at the end. It was one of those"I'm going to remember this moment" close family feelings. Michelle looked back at us-but didn't smile- she just looked at us. (Brian thought she had been breathing "funny" but I didn't think much of it as babies breathe faster than adults anyway.
About 6 am Brian went in to check on her. He came tearing into the bedroom, into his clothes, "there's something wrong with that baby! He handed her to me, I phoned the hospital and he put on his boots she had blue splotches on her and her eyes were only looking to the side she wasn't moving them around. He grabbed her, put a blanket over her and run out to the van. He was in such a desperate hurry I was afraid he would have an accident. I got into my clothes, knelt down in prayer then got into my van and hurried to the hospital after him. Michelle was in the emergency room and they're giving her oxygen. Dr. David came in and they sent us out to the waiting room. Stan Stewart came over but they never got to administer to her. Dr. David came out and said, "I'm sorry."I couldn't believe it I couldn't speak...just made pushing motions with my hands, like artificial respiration...he said they had tried everything but she had stopped breathing just as he'd arrived there. I went into see her. The poor little thing - she was gone. There was nothing I could do for her. Somehow I must have thought that if I could pick her up she'd be okay but then I knew there was no helping her. There was nothing I could do to make it better. There was nothing I could do.
She was 18 months to the day. She was born on May 14,1979 and died Nov 14 1980. She was such a going concern. Happy and cheerful, chubby and outside of the occasional cold, healthy.
She could go up and down the stairs -on her fanny down and have just learned to walk up the stairs standing up. I was always worried about the stairs as there were no guardrails and it's straight cement at the bottom. (227 17th street)
She could climb out of her crib and across the space, meant to deter her, to the dresser. She would call mom to come and get her off there. She was learning to say the blessing at the table and was just starting to fold her arms, Bow her head shutting her eyes was still beyond her and mumble on with whoever was saying the blessing.
She like to play the piano and was quite upset if she couldn't sit on the bench with me while I played O Canada for 7 AM session. She'd climb up on the bench herself at times and plunk away. She loved to dance, turn twirly's herself in time to music or be picked up and polka around the front room.
She had 8 teeth at the front, two more big ones on the side bottom and two more coming between. They were good and sharp for a nip from time to time. She's not afraid to take on Renee if things weren't going just right. She'd Snapple onto one of Renee's ponytails and both would be crying but neither letting go. She liked to get into drawers my sewing machine was number one target with thread especially all over the place and anything else she could get her hands on. Another interesting spot was my bottom drawer with jewelry in it. She had got to stretch up enough to open doors so she could get in or out if she persevered long enough. A couple of times she'd follow the bath, clean clothes, powder and the works with another bath completely dressed. So we start over again. The phone was another point of interest. She could climb up on our bed and make like mommy with the phone, and leave it dangling there while she went off to something else.
She'd like to get tickled and packed around, especially packed out of her crib, her sisters were most obliging. Sometimes before I put her to bed I'd kiss and tickle her under the chin. She'd laugh, put her to bed then I'd do the same to Renee - Michelle would watch from the crib and laugh along with Renee
The doctor said she had cerebral meningitis...
I wonder how she's doing, an adult spirit, I can't help but wonder if she is there to give my dad strength. Sometimes I think I'd like to die and be there with her but then Shannon Trina and Renee need me here. I know I'm not a very good mother, I'm short on patience and too often busy but I do love them and Brian I love him so much I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm so glad that I married him, and that we have been sealed in the temple and our children to us. I hope and pray that we can be together again as a family in the celestial kingdom, eternal families don't just happen. I have to work diligently to that end...
My heart breaks every time I think of this for my parents, just means I'm going to work super hard to get to the same place she is. Here's a few super cute pictures of Michelle Leanne Waldie
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